Middle of Nowhere
by mcdreaming1
Summary: MerDer, post "Lay Your Hands on Me." It's been a few months since the breakup, but what happens when Meredith is forced to give drunk Derek a ride home from Joe's? Dis: I do NOT own Grey's Anatomy.
1. Middle of Nowhere

**Welcome to my new fic! It's MerDer, post "Lay Your Hands on Me." I have a few updates done, so if you guys like this I can post them right in a row! Hope you enjoy… remember to review!**

Two months. It was been two months since Meredith had found out about Rose. Two months since he had told her he couldn't do it anymore. Two months since she had agreed and walked in the opposite direction. They hadn't talked since. In fact, they had been successfully ignoring each other's existence since the breakup. Well, successfully pretending to ignore eachother's existence, anyway.

But tonight it had been especially hard to do so. Derek had had a late surgery, and Meredith was the on-call resident, making her the obvious choice to scrub in with him. They had both tried to avoid it, but Bailey was getting fed up with the tension between the two, and told Meredith that she could either do the surgery or be prepared to work in the clinic, and out of the OR, until further notice. And so Meredith had done it.

And now it was over. She leaned against her locker and tried to take a deep breath, but she felt like her throat was sealed shut. She felt her entire body trembling as she slid down to the floor, and she put her head in her hands as the exhaustion took over. Then it happened. She began to sob. She was sobbing so loud that she was certain the nurses down the hall could hear her. But she didn't care. She had no self control. For the past two hours, she had stood next to Derek and assisted him in surgery. She had stood, and she had pretended. Pretended that she couldn't smell him, and that the familiarness wasn't making her want to break down on the spot. She pretended that she wasn't getting the chills every time his fingers brushed hers. She pretended that the only thing she was thinking about was the patient on the table in front of her. Yes, she had pretended and now that she was alone, she couldn't do it anymore. She was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the fact that the closest she had been to the love of her life in months was standing next to him over an operating table.

Time passed. Minutes, hours... she didn't know. But Meredith finally pulled herself off of the floor, got dressed, and left the hospital. She meant to go straight home, she really did, but she knew that her roommates had gotten off early tonight. Which meant that they were probably drinking, and hanging out, and cheerful. Meredith was not in the mood for cheerful. No, the only friend Meredith wanted to hang out with tonight was tequila. So she made a left and turned into the parking lot of Joe's. It was almost two, but she knew Joe wouldn't mind if she hung out for a little while after close. Anyway, she was glad it was late. There would be less happy drunks around to interfere with her self pity.

But what Meredith found when she entered the bar was far, far worse than a few annoying drunks. It was him. Derek. Not only was it Derek, but it was Derek in his red shirt. The red shirt he had been wearing the night they met. The red shirt that he looked so impossibly great in. Meredith immediately turned to walk back out the door, but she was too late.

"Meredith!" Joe called from behind the bar, "Glad you could make it. The usual?" But he already knew the answer to that question. He poured a shot of tequila and sat it on the bar. "Come on in, first ones on the house."

At the sound of her name, Derek turned and took Meredith by surprise when he locked eyes with her and kept them there. She didn't need to talk to him, or even be near him, to know that he had been drinking for awhile. His eyes were red and glazed over, and he had a slight sag in his shoulders. He continued to watch her as she averted her gaze to the floor and began to walk over to the bar, smiling politely at Joe and thanking him for the drink.

The two of them sat and drank in silence for almost two hours. The light crowd that had been present when Meredith arrived had long since left, and it was way past closing time. Joe looked ready to pass out.

"Ok guys, I don't know what's up with the awkward silence in place of the usual inappropriate PDA that you two are such fans of, but I can't wait for you to get over it any longer. I'm tired. I need to close."

Meredith gave Joe a half smile and nodded. "Sorry. For staying so late. But thanks, I'll see you this weekend." She finished her drink and grabbed her keys and coat, but as she made her way to the door she heard a loud thud.

"Okay, Shep. Easy now." Meredith turned to see Joe practically lifting Derek off of the floor and onto the barstool he had apparently attempted to get up from. Then Joe looked at Meredith, and a feeling of dread began to form in her gut because she knew what was coming.

"Hey, Mer. Do you think you could drive him home? You know he's too stubborn to take a cab and he's going to kill someone in the state he's in." Derek immediately began to protest but Meredith knew that Joe was right. She bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath.

"Whatever. Fine. But I'm not getting him into the car. Not me. No sir. That's all you." Joe gave Meredith a strange look, but then shrugged and lifted Derek from the armpits, and started helping him outside.

When they got out, it was raining. No, it was more like a torrential downpour. _Shit,_ Meredith thought as she ran across the parking lot and jumped into her jeep, _It wasn't even drizzling when I got here. Now it's a freaking monsoon._ She made a quick U-turn and pulled up outside of the bar, where Derek was arguing with an exasperated Joe, presumably about the fact that he was being made to get a ride home with Meredith.

_This is going to be a long forty-five minutes,_ Meredith whispered to herself as she began to imagine the many possible arguments that could occur over the duration of this car ride. But there was nothing she could do about it. Joe practically shoved Derek into the passenger seat, slammed the door and waved to Meredith with a sympathetic smile as she pulled away. She sighed and prepared herself for the long drive ahead.

Meredith let out a sigh of relief when she heard Derek begin to snore softly only a few minutes into the ride. Unfortunately, the rain continued to get worse, and pretty soon she could hardly see the road in front of her. As she got closer to the trailer, the roads became smaller and darker. They were curvy and the dense trees on either side made it difficult for Meredith to see anything at all. She was actually beginning to get frightened. She decided to pull over and take a minute to regain her senses and relax. But just as she started manuevering to the side of the road, she heard a sputter. Then another sputter. And then the engine stopped completely. _Please don't let this be happening,_ she begged the powers that be as she banged her head on the steering wheel and groaned outwardly. But the car wouldn't start back up. The engine was dead. She was officially stranded.

_Just what I need,_ she thought, _a broken down jeep on the side of the road in the pouring rain, with a drunk, passed-out ex boyfriend in the passenger seat._ She unbuckled her seatbelt and reached for her cell phone, and then she remembered. It had died hours ago at the hospital. She silently berated herself for being stupid enough to drive all the way out here without a working phone. Slowly, she turned her gaze to Derek. He was still fast asleep, not a worry in the world as Meredith frantically wracked her brain for a plan. She carefully reached across the center console, slipped her hand around the cell phone that was hanging out of Derek's left pocket, and flipped it open. No signal. _Figures_, she thought.

Just then the a boom of thunder sounded, so strong that Meredith felt the car shake a bit. This really was bad. Derek jerked awake at the noise and looked frantically around him, confused and panicked by the surrounding he had woken up to. Then he turned and his eyes found Meredith, sitting in the seat next to him, trying her best to find a signal on his phone. He instantly relaxed. She had that frantic, angry look that she got when she was in a situation that she couldn't control, and didn't quite know how to handle it. He couldn't help but grin.

"Mere," He murmured, "What the hell is going on?"

At the sound of his voice she froze. She hadn't heard him say her name in so long. And definitely not like that. He said it with relief, like he was okay with being stuck in the middle of nowhere because she was sitting next to him. She felt a familiar warmth build inside her, but she quickly snapped herself back to reality and embraced the fury that took its place.

"No, Derek. Just no. Do. Not. Speak."

"Meredith, I just want to know what's going on. I just woke up and I'm sitting in your jeep, on the side of the road in the middle of the woods in the pouring rain. Can I just get a brief explanation?"

"Of course," she said, not trying to disguise the bitterness in her tone, "Doctor McDreamy wants to know what's going on. Why? So you can save the day? So you can come up with a brilliant plan to get us home, warm and dry, without missing a beat? How about you save it? Because you, Derek, are the reason we are here. You felt the need to get so falling-down drunk that you couldn't stand on your own two feet, and Joe had to practically toss you into my car so that I could take you home. And now we're stuck, because you also feel the need to live out in the wilderness, where there are no signs of human life for miles. So what do we do now, genius? Come on, come up with a plan. It's not brain surgery." She turned away with disgust, and took a breath.

"You know Meredith, for once in your life could you get over your need to yell and rant and just handle the situation like an adult?"

"Oh, screw you Derek. I'd rather be freezing and soaked than sitting here listening to this shit." With that she opened the car door and starting walking back in the direction from which they came. She wasn't even sure how far down the road she was, or how long it would take before she found help. But she didn't care. Anything was better than being in that claustrophobic space with a man who was currently making her miserable.

"Fine, walk away! That's your solution to every problem! Hope it works out for ya!" She heard him call from behind her. She heard the words and told herself to ignore them. _Just keep going,_ she told herself, _it's not worth it._ But the anger boiling in her chest was too much, and before she knew it she was running back to the car, ready to scream like a madwoman. And that's just what she did.

"You wanna know why I walk away?! Do you, you self-absorbed, pompous, drunken, stupid jackass?! You wanna know what I can't build a house with you, or have kids with you? You wanna know why you're not going to die when you're a hundred and ten, in my arms? Because you... you wretched, selfish man... are the world's biggest hypocrite! I met you and I fell in love with you. And we were happy, and I decided that I was going to put my reputation as a doctor and a woman in jeopardy because I wanted to be with YOU! And I did. I risked it. Because you told me to have faith. And do you know what that got me? A wife. A wife you never told me about. But you said it was over, that she had cheated and you were staying with me. So, like you said, I took it on faith. And then you left me. For her. So I lived, in torture, month after month trying to work with you, and with her, and pretend everything was right with the world when all I felt like doing was curling up in a ball and dying. Then you wanted to be friends. So, once again, I agreed. I even started to move on, and confide in you. And how do you react? You get pissed off. You call me a whore! Then you stare at me for weeks, have sex with me in an exam room, and ask ME what it means! Still then, you come to me and tell me you're in love with me, so like the absolute idiot that I am, I believe you and decide to give it another go. Then you tell me to choose Finn. You tell me you're walking away. Then before you know it, surprise surprise, you come to Joe's and tell me to try again. And I do! God, how dumb could I be? I tried again! Then I died, and Derek I am sorry that I died. But I needed you. I needed you and you couldn't breathe for me. So I tried to be an understanding girlfriend and confide in my friends, and then you whine about being left out. You ask to be put out of your misery, so I put you out of your misery. I break it off and what do you do? Walk across the room and kiss me, and ask me to have break up sex. Derek, I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I was worried about you so I did the S&M. You couldn't deal with it, though, you needed more. So I say to myself that for once and for all, I'm going to put my demons to rest and commit. Forever. And THEN, what do you do? KISS THE SCRUB NURSE! Not only do you kiss her, but you keep it from me so that I have to find out from GEORGE in the middle of my workday. And here you are, having the BALLS to talk about me walking away. You arrogant asshole. I HATE YOU! Hate. Hate. Hate!"

Her voice was completely hoarse from the minutes of yelling she had just done, and then there was silence. They both stood, being pelted by the rain, staring at the ground. But Derek soon broke the silence. His voice was slow and steady.

"You think you're the only one who suffered? You're right, I chose Addison and I chose wrong. But that was before. I told you I loved you and I meant it. But you were only halfway there. You couldn't let go of what had happened before, you couldn't let yourself trust me. Not only that, but you took every issue that you ever had with your mother, and Thatcher, and your sisters, and you took it out on me. You took it all out on me, and that wasn't fair. I know you didn't mean to die, Meredith. But when you did, I have never been more afraid in my life. Afraid for you, and afraid for me because I didn't know how I'd go on without you. But you came back. You came back and I wanted to be there for you, but it was hard for me, too. I had my own issues that I was trying to deal with, and never once did you ask me if I was okay. Never once did you wonder if I was alright. You ran away. But I knew you had trust issues, so I decided to tell you, to let you know for certain how I felt. I told you that you were the love of my life, and in return you broke up with me in front of a church full of colleagues and friends. And as far as sex and mockery, you weren't exactly against it if I recall correctly. And maybe I should have told you about Rose, but I was so god damned afraid that like always, you would run away before even giving me a chance to explain. So no, Meredith. You are not the only victim here."

He tilted his head and looked right at her, his eyes bright and blue despite the downpour all around them. Meredith wanted to go to him, but she knew it was too far gone. There really was too much water under the bridge. And now, they needed to accept it and move on.

"Derek, I think we both know at this point that it wasn't meant to be. I don't want to fight. So I'm going to keep walking, and find us some help while you stay here in case anyone passes by. Then we can both go home and forget this ever happened." With that she spun on her heel and trudged away, not even caring anymore about the fact that she was dripping wet and freezing cold. She willed herself to keep going, but then she heard him again. He was crying. She stopped in her tracks and shut her eyes. _Keep going, Meredith,_ she told herself, _Don't get yourself into this again._ But when she turned her head and saw him, her anger melted away and was replaced with a love so overwhelming she could feel it in her bones. He was leaning against the jeep, head in his hands, in the pouring rain, and he was sobbing like a baby. Before her mind could process her actions she was moving toward him, sprinting actually.

"Derek!" She yelled as she neared. He turned and when he saw her his sobs became heavier. He put out his arms and she jumped into them with force, wrapping her legs around his waist and grabbing his curls with both hands, gripping them tightly. Her lips met his in a frenzy of passion, and he pushed her lips apart with his tongue, exploring the depths of her mouth as his tears mixed with hers and they cried and kissed until they couldn't breathe.

"I love you, I love you, I love you..." He repeated over and over again as he pulled her against him and trailed kisses down her neck and over her shoulder, tasting the mixture of rain and skin.

"I love you so much, Derek. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." She muttered as she continued to wind her fingers through his hair, and grind her hips into his as desire hummed deep within her.

"Oh god, Mer. I'm sorry too, I'll never leave you again, I'll never leave..." He spun her around and slammed her into the side of the jeep, gyrating his hips in a circle against hers, letting her feel his erection against her center.

"Get.. in.. the.. car." She panted as she reached behind her and swung open the back door, dropping down onto the seat and pulling him inside with her. He laid over her and continued to kiss her with abandon as his hips begain to thrust into hers uncontrollably. He lifted her shirt over her head and groaned at the sight of her breasts, flushed and hard at the tips, waiting for him. He lowered his mouth and flicked a nipple with his tongue, rolling the other one between his forefinger and thumb.

"Derek!" She yelped as she arched off the seat and thrust her hips into his. He knew that if that went on much longer he would lose it, and he frantically unzipped her jeans and pulled them down while she did the same to his. His body jerked with pleasure when he felt her take his erection in her hands and begin stroking it forcefully, light tugging at his balls simultaneously.

"Shit, Meredith, stop. I'm close. Are you ready?" He asked as he thrust a finger into her. She was more than ready.

"Please, baby. Do it now." He needed no further encouragement and they both screamed in pleasure when he filled her. He started out slow, but he knew he couldn't keep up this torturous pace for much longer. She was tight and warm, and she was Meredith. And as he slid in and out of her he was overcome with ecstasy.

"Oh, Mere. My god, you... feel... so good." He muttered as he continued to thrust up into her, going deeper than he thought was possible.

"Derek, faster, please..." Meredith began to match his thrusts with her hips and he felt himself nearing the edge. He sat up on the seat and swiftly pulled her on top of him. He found the spot behind her ear that he knew would make her quiver, and he licked it slowly and sensually, smiling when he heard her moan.

"Ohhh, Derek." She whispered as she quickened her pace on top of him. He knew he was going to orgasm at any second, and he reached his fingers between their bodies and rubbed her clit in circles, quickly and with just the right pressure. He knew exactly how to push her over the edge.

With the extra touch Meredith immediately began grinding into him with abandon, bouncing and rotating and yelling his name.

"Derek, Derek, Derek... Right there. Oh my god, please don't stop. Yessss." She tightened around him and began to spasm wildly as she came. He felt her contractions and groaned at the sensations it sent right through him. He continued to stroke her clit as she shook above him, loving the way she looked as she let the waves of pleasure run through her. And then when she finished, she grabbed his curles and ground against him once again. Clenching and unclenching as she rotated her hips around him, just the way he liked it.

"Ohhhhhhh my god, Meredith. Shit. Meredith!" He yelled one last time as he began to bounce and Meredith felt him release inside her. She finally collapsed on top of him and he pulled her close, lightly kissing her neck and shoulder.

"Meredith, I love you."

"I love you, too." Meredith replied. They stayed like that, limbs intertwined, for what seemed like an eternity. Then Meredith finally asked, "So what do we do now? The rain is still going, and we're still stuck."

Derek pushed the hair out of her face and smiled, looking deeply into her eyes. "Let's just sleep here. Forget the rain, and the broken down car, and the being stuck. Let's just stay here and be us, because I missed you, and I don't think I could let you go right now if I tried."

Meredith giggled and kissed him on the lips, swirling her tongue once around his before laying her head on his shoulder as he laid down and pulled her on top of him.

"Okay, let's stay here. And be us." With that, they both closed their eyes and fell asleep, forgetting that anything existed except them.

**Tell me what you think!**


	2. Evil!

The loud rumble of thunder jolted Meredith awake. The storm was back. It took her a moment to remember where she was, but then the events of the past twenty-four hours came rushing back to her when she realized she was at Derek's trailer. In Derek's bed. With Derek next to her. It brought a smile to her face.

Earlier that day they had woken up in her jeep, and the sun was shining. Now that they could see clearly they had realized they were only about a mile from Derek's. After calling a tow truck they walked back, and they did so hand in hand. But they were both silent, neither one wanting to be the first to bring up the screaming match that had preceded their frantic romp in the backseat the night before.

When they finally got back to the trailer, Derek had made coffee and they'd sat across from eachother in his kitchen, still silent, still pondering to themselves about what to make of the previous night's events. And then they dealt with it the only way they knew how. They made love over and over again until their brains couldn't function any further than the feeling of their intertwined limbs and soft breathing as they lay together, falling into a sated sleep.

Now Meredith was awake. She turned over and watched Derek as he slept. He was on his side facing her, one arm underneath her tiny frame and the other hand resting between them on the pillow. She brought her own hand up and laced her fingers with his as she listened to his slow, even breathing. Right now, in this moment, there was no denying it. She loved him more than she thought was possible. The emotion took hold of her so suddenly that she felt tears build up in her eyes, and her mind began to race.

This is good. Laying here, in his arms, feeling his warm body against her own. But it was never this easy. Time after time they had fought, they had let their issues build up inside until they couldn't take it anymore and they allowed their physical connection to override the ever present problems that still bubbled beneath the surface. She knew it was only a matter of time until it burst, and they were back to square one. It scared her. She couldn't live like this, in this constant cycle of pleasure followed on its heels by misery. But the alternative, being without him, was unbearable. She felt the familiar feeling of dread begin to build in her gut. They had been in love. Then he had a wife. They had tried again. She couldn't commit. He couldn't wait. He kissed Rose. He kissed Rose. He kissed Rose. The thought made her want to vomit and the speed at which these anxious thoughts were running through her head became so overwhelming that before she knew it she was sobbing into the pillow.

Her body trembling next to him woke Derek, and he instinctively pulled her to him despite the haze of sleep that still held half of his consciousness. His gesture only made her cry harder, and he felt warm tears on his chest.

"Hey, hey..." He murmured.

"I.. I.. this.. can't.. I can't." She finally spit out through her gasps.

"Breathe. Then talk." He said as he stroked her hair and wrapped his arms more tightly around her.

After a few minutes he finally felt her relax, and he waited a moment before breaking the silence.

"Mer? Tell me." He kept his embrace tight so that she couldn't roll out of his grasp, which he knew would be her first instinct. She looked up at him with sadness in her eyes.

"This can't happen. We can't have sex and act like that makes it all go away. There are problems, Derek. Me and you, we have problems. Obviously we work when we're naked. But aside from that, we have some serious issues and this having sex as a solution, we've tried it. It doesn't work. I can't..." she closed her eyes as she started to cry softly again, "I can't keep going through this. We can't. We have to move on this time. I have to go."

He immediately took her chin in his hand and tilted her head so that she had no choice but to meet his gaze.

"No," he said firmly, almost harshly, "You will not do this. Last night... last night was not just having sex as a temporary solution. Last night was two people who love each other connecting on a level that I didn't even know existed. You, Meredith Grey, are not going to do this. I told you I would never leave you again. And I will never leave you again. That includes not letting you leave me either."

"But..." He quickly put a finger to her lips.

"Listen to me. It's three in the morning. We're both exhausted. But you're right, we have issues. Big ones. And we also both have the rest of the weekend off. Tomorrow we spend the day here, and we will sit down and we'll talk. We'll start from the very beginning, and we will talk through every single problem that ever arose in this relationship, and by the time we are finished our slate will be clean. And we'll start fresh."

She cringed at the thought of a day full of talking about their relationship. She could barely admit when she was the tiniest bit upset, let alone delve into the depths of her emotional issues. He felt her response and pulled her even closer to him, if that was possible.

"I felt that flinch, you know. But you heard me right. Your worst nightmare. A whole day of talking. About everything. And you can hate me, and you can try to run, and you can try to avoid, but I don't care." He began to laugh. "You know why I don't care?" He asked.

She was confused. "Why?"

"Because your car is in the parking lot of JJ's Towing and I'm your only ride home."

She giggled and smacked him playfully. "Asshole."

"Now go to sleep, woman." She sighed and buried her face in the crook of his neck. Tomorrow sounded like a living hell. But for now, all she knew was that he was holding her, and that was exactly what she wanted.

"Morning," Derek mumbled, rolling over and reaching for Meredith. Much to his disappointment, he found only sheets and a pillow next to him. He yawned, stretched, and slowly got himself up and out of bed. Wondering where Meredith had gone, he made his way to the door.

Outside, Meredith was sitting on the patio in front of the trailer, sipping coffee and staring out across his sprawling land. He was taken aback by how beautiful she was, even after just rolling out of bed. Her hair was messy, her curls cascading down her back in a disarray. She was wearing nothing but his red shirt, two of the middle buttons done and the rest open, exposing the soft skin of her chest and legs. He thought of how good it had felt to finally touch her again.

"Good morning," he said groggily as he made his way over to her. She turned and smiled, her eyes sparkling in the morning sun.

"Hey, you." She surprised him by reaching for his hand, lacing her fingers through his and resting her head against his shoulder as he sat beside her.

"I'm glad you're here." He whispered, and pressed his lips softly to the top of her head.

"Me too."

They sat there for awhile, content and enjoying the warm sun that was finally shining after the stormy weather of the past few days. She knew it wouldn't be long before he brought up the talking, and she was right. Which is why she was relieved that she had come up with an alternative plan.

"So. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but why don't we start the talking. The sooner we do it, the sooner we resolve things, and the sooner..." He tilted his head and sucked on her earlobe, blowing softly and smiling when she sighed, "The sooner we can go back to bed."

She scooted closer to him and looked up, meeting his gaze. "You know, the thunder kept waking me up last night, and I had some time to think. You want to talk, I don't want to talk. But the reality is we need to do it. So..." She paused, and he saw apprehension in her eyes.

"So...?"

"Don't laugh. Maybe this is a dumb idea."

"No idea of yours is dumb." He smiled warmly, trying to encourage her.

"I have a... well maybe it is. I think I have a compromise."

"A compromise eh?"

"I was thinking about how I'm no good at this talking thing. But I really do want to tell you things. I really..." She paused again, and he squeezed her hand. "I just don't want to mess up again. I'm afraid if I jump into this big conversation, I'll just end up getting defensive and we'll end up arguing and I... I don't want to fight anymore." She stopped again.

"Although, may I argue the sex that follows thereafter makes up for any arguing done on our parts." She gave him a half smile, knowing he was trying to put her at ease.

"I wish we could fix everything that way."

"We certainly tried. But I want to hear your compromise."

"Okay. Here it is. Maybe... since I'm a bad talker and we need to get rid of the water under the... thing, and get everything out and... you know. Maybe we could do letters." She looked into his eyes, searching for a reaction, but he was confused.

"Letters?"

"You know, letters. Like, I'll go home and you'll stay here. And we write it all down. Start from the top, everything we felt about everything that happened. Even if it takes forever. And then when we're done, we read them. To eachother. And we can't interrupt and we can't talk until we both read them. And then it will all be out, and we'll know everything and well... I guess we would still have to talk after that. Sorry, it was a dumb idea..." He looked at her, shocked that she had really thought about all this and made an effort to come up with a way to get past her difficulties with opening up. It made him love her even more.

"Meredith Grey, I think letters is a great idea. We will have to talk after but it will be easier. It will all already be out on the table. I want to do it."

"You really do?"

"I really do."

She smiled and moved onto his lap, cupping his face with her hands and pressing her lips to his. When he started to pull away she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him back, resting her forehead against his and slowly, softly running the tip of her tongue over his bottom lip and up around the top.

"Mmmm," he moaned and pulled her body to his, slipping his tongue between her lips and running it over the roof of her mouth. She swung her leg over his lap so she was straddling him, and their tongues danced hungrily, each of them trying to convey the love they felt but couldn't seem to put into words.

He began to pant and gripped her bottom, almost losing it when he realized she was naked under his shirt.

"God, Mer," He pushed into her, grinding his hips into hers and moaning again into her mouth. With that she lifted her head and pushed him away, getting up quickly before her own willpower was lost. He reached for her but she slipped away.

"Mer..."

"Nope. We can't. Talk first. Or... write first? Whatever. We need a clean start, and that... that was not clean. That was dirty, and will only get dirtier if we keep going. I'm going to get dressed and then you are going to take me home."

He reluctantly got up and followed her back inside. "You are an evil woman."

"I'm sorry, Mr. The-Sooner-We-Get-It-Overwith-The-Sooner-We-Have-Sex. Did I do something wrong?" He laughed.

"Touche, Dr. Grey. Now put some clothes on and go home. You can just take my car and bring it back later. Today we write, tonight we read, and then... well you know what comes then."

She finished pulling on her top and made her way over to him, walking him back into the wall and bringing her face within inches of his own.

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd, I know what comes then." She slowly ran her hand down his stomach and over his groin, reaching into the opening in his boxers and pumping his length a few times before cupping his balls. He jerked into her hand and his eyes rolled back. "I know what comes next, and I can't wait." She kissed him hard and quick, pulled away, and before he knew it she was out the door.

"Evil!" He yelled as she waved and pulled away. He turned and grabbed a pen and paper, wondering how he was going to manage to compose a letter in the state she had left him in.

**Remember to review:)**


	3. Delivery

**I don't own Grey's!**

**That said, Enjoy.**

It was midnight. Derek paced back and forth inside the trailer, unable to keep himself from occasionally opening the door and looking out across the clearing, hoping that he would see Meredith pulling up in his car. He stared at the pages strewn across the kitchen table. Not knowing what else to do with himself, he read his letter over again, torturing himself over and over.

[iDid I say the right things? Is this going to be good enough?[/i He felt like ripping the pages apart throwing them away. When Meredith got there, he would just whisk her to bed and whisper in her ear and they would put it all behind them. They didn't need to talk, or read, or have a clean slate. They just needed eachother.

But Derek knew it was wishful thinking. They would never get anywhere if they didn't put it all out there. But here he was, at midnight, still waiting for her to come back.

[iWhere is she? She left fourteen hours ago...[/i

Then there was a knock at the door.

He let out a sigh of relief. [iBut why was she knocking?[/i

"Come in, Mer. You know you don't need to knock." But she only knocked again. Exasperated, he got up from the table and moved toward the door. But what he found when he opened it was just the possibility that he had been firmly denying to himself during his hours of anxious waiting. Meredith hadn't come.

Cristina stood before him, looking tired and angry. She held out his keys and a white envelope.

"Shepherd, I don't have a clue what's going on here. All I know is that she disappeared for almost two days, came back, locked herself in her room for twelve hours crying and writing whatever the hell is in this envelope, and then disappeared again. If it wasn't for her unbearably annoying and desperate begging, I would not even be here. So take the keys, and take the envelope. And do me a favor, either fix this for good or just stay away. Because if I can't even take it, she sure as hell can't either." He took the keys and the letter, and before he even had a grip on them, Cristina let go and started toward the car where Alex was in the driver's seat waiting for her.

"Cristina, wait! Where is she?"

She didn't even turn around. "Shepherd, your guess is as good as mine."

As he watched Meredith's friends drive off, he took a minute to process what had just taken place. Then the panic set in.

[iWhere is she? What if this is some kind of permanent goodbye note? What if she knew this was her plan all along, and that's why she wanted to do it so badly? Oh god.[/i

He ran a hand through his hair and began his pacing again. Now the envelope Cristina gave him was on the table next to the letter he had written for her. But he could only stare at it. He was too afraid of what he might find if he opened it up. He grabbed his cell phone and dialed her number.

"You've reached Meredith Grey. Leave a message."

"Meredith! It's me. Please answer your phone. Where are you? Cristina doesn't even know. Or maybe you told her not to tell me. God, Mer. Please call me. I can't even read the letter. You were supposed to be here. We're supposed to do it together. Call me." He took a breath and then whispered, "I love you, please call back." And then he sat. And stared at his cell phone, and tried to ignore the tight feeling in his chest. He didn't know what to do with himself. He showered, taking his cell phone with him and carefully placing it on the soap shelf after turning the spray in the opposite direction. He needed her to call. But he finished his shower, and tried her four more times, getting her voicemail repeatedly. It was almost three in the morning.

He needed sleep. Between the events of the past two days with Meredith, and the emotional exhaustion from writing the letter and waiting for her to come, he was wiped out. He stared at the envelope. It was just sitting there, torturing him. He had to read it. He couldn't sleep without some kind of explanation from her.

He picked it up and walked over the his bed, plopping down on the edge and slowly opening it up. He unfolded it and took a deep breath. At the sight of his name writting in her neat, slanted handwriting, he felt tears immediately well up. But he made himself read.

[iDerek,

Don't be angry. This wasn't expected, this... not coming over. I really want the clean slate. I wanted tonight to be just me and you, being honest and starting on those hundred steps I talked about before, so we could finally have all the wonderful things you want so badly. Things that I want to. But then I started to think about what I was going to write, and how I was going to get to the point where we could move forward. But the truth is, Derek, I'm just not there. I can feel guilty about it and I can feel inadequate and I can try my damndest to be ready because I know you need me to be ready. But in the long run it only makes it worse for us. Pretending is what got us here. Pretending to feel things we didn't, pretending we were fine when we weren't... I can't pretend anymore. We need to get rid of the water under the thing, not make it deeper.

The truth is, Derek, I'm not over it. You didn't tell me you had a wife. When Addison walked over to us, and looked at me, and said I was the intern screwing her husband... I can't even begin to tell you how I felt at that moment. My stomach was on the floor. But if I thought that was bad, the rollercoaster of the next few months was ten times worse. First you said we were fine, that she was leaving. Then I professed my love for you, pathetically, desperately, in a freaking scrub room. And then you picked her. Every shred of faith I held in the good of the human race was burned to the ground during those few months. I had to watch you with her. Watch you kiss her hello when you passed in the halls, watch you reach for her hand when you left at the end of a shift. I had to call her Dr. Shepherd. It was like someone took a knife to my heart and wouldn't stop turning it around and around. And the pathetic part is, I didn't even try to move on. Sure I put on a show. Acted like I was fine, like we were friends, like it was all fine and dandy. But I never, for one second, let go of an ounce of the love I felt for you. When my hand was on that bomb, Dylan was telling me what to do, trying to make me feel better. But all I could see was you. You were smiling at me, that stupid grin that makes me want you so bad. And you told me it would be okay. And to this day I don't think I could have done it without picturing you across the table. I wouldn't have fought so hard to get through it if I wasn't so tortured by the fact that I couldn't remember the last time I kissed you.

That night was hell. I was so shaken, so disoriented from the whole thing. I had seen someone blow up. Hell, I almost blew up. And I just didn't know what to do because I felt cold and alone and I knew the only thing that would make it go away was your body next to mine and your face buried in my neck and the weight of your arm over my waist. I needed to feel you so badly at that moment, Derek. I wanted you so much. And then you showed up. That night, that conversation... it was when I knew. It was when I knew that you still loved me. I saw the look. The look I knew so well and the look I was craving at that exact moment. It's also when I knew I had to do something to move on. I couldn't live my life waiting for those split seconds when you let your guard down and gave me that look.

There was Finn. There was Doc. And Doc dying. But it all fades to the background when I think of the prom. My god, the prom. Have you ever felt so alive as you did that night? It was an exam room, for god's sake, but it was heaven. When you kissed me I wished time would stop. As soon as it happened I knew it was wrong, but it was just so... right. I still get the chills when I think of it. Even now. But where did it go? It was like, finally. We let go.. we gave in. We were free to have each other whenever we wanted. But it wasn't the same. Where was the fire? Where was the spark? Where was the desperateness for eachother?

The drowning, it wasn't your fault. You are NOT the reason I didn't swim. Please, please remember that. And please remember that I am so very, very sorry for what I put you through. It was just a moment, just a split second, when I thought... when I thought it might be better to just leave it all behind. So I quit. But I wasn't thinking. My god, what if you hadn't been there? What if you hadn't pulled me out of the water? I'm crying just even considering the possibility. When I was dead, Derek, that's when I realized. It's when it all became clear. Living in hell with you by my side was way better than being in heaven alone. I just realized that the old Meredith was gone. I couldn't get by on my own. And it wasn't because I was weak, and it wasn't because I was inadequate. It was because you had become such a part of me that I wasn't whole anymore when you weren't with me. So I came back. I came back not because you needed me to, but because I needed to be with you.

I just wish it had been so easy after that. I don't want to rehash the details. It's hard to determine who did what wrong. I wasn't stable, you couldn't breathe for me, I couldn't let you in. None of that is the point. The point is we had lost ourselves. I had almost died and we still couldn't hold on to what really mattered. And we slipped away. We just drifted apart, and I never thought it would happen.

I feel like the last few months have been us trying to hold on to something that just isn't there anymore. Remember how we used to be? We couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. All you had to do was be in the same room as me and I was a melting puddle of emotions that I couldn't control. Every second I wanted to be with you and when I wasn't with you I was wishing that I was. When I heard your laugh or felt your hand take mine the world fell into place in a way I never knew it could. You were it. You were all that there was for me, and I was all that there was for you. We had faith... in life, in eachother, in ourselves. It was easy. It's not easy anymore. You hurt me, and even though this letter has been all about the hurt I felt, I know that I've hurt you just as badly.

I still can't just snap my fingers and let you in. And you can't wait forever, I know that. My god, I want to throw up every time I think of that nurse. So what do we do? How do we get back there, to when it was easy, to when we were happy? When we weren't just staying together out of fear of being apart.

Don't get me wrong, I love you. With every bone in my body, Derek, I love you. I never want to lose you. But we need to take a step back. Things need to get worse before they can get better. And so I'm just going to give myself some distance. Not just from you, from everything. From my friends, and the hospital. I need some perspective. But please don't lose hope, because I can't predict the future, but I sure as hell hope it holds good things for me and you.

You are my love. You are my life. Please remember how much I love you, even if it's hard right now.

I don't know if you still want me to have your letter, but if you do you can give it to the Chief. He'll make sure I get it. And please don't grill him, or beg him to tell you where I am. It will only put him in a bad spot. Just hope with me. I really do believe that this isn't the end. It's just a rough patch.

I love you,  
Meredith[/i

He couldn't breathe. His through was tightening, and his chest was shaking with sobs that were caught in the back of his throat. He threw the letter. He got up, and started the pacing. Then he picked up the TV remote and hurled it across the room. Then he did the same to the alarm clock. And the box of tissues.

[iWhat am I doing? This isn't me.[/i

Then he choked up a sob. And another one. Soon he was lying on his bed, shaking and crying out like a child. He needed her, and she was gone. And he was empty and anxious but he knew she was right. They had lost themselves. He sobbed himself to sleep, praying to God that they would somehow find what had somehow slipped away from them.

b Review! /b 


	4. I miss you, I love you

**I don't own Grey's!**

Derek just wanted to go home. He felt like the elephant in the room. Everyone knew Meredith had left. Everyone knew it had something to do with him. Everyone was talking about it with everyone else, with the exception of course, of him. He hated that everyone was walking on eggshells around him, shooting him sympathetic glances and being extra polite to him. It was driving him insane, and making him irrationally angry at Meredith for putting him in this situation.

That day at lunch, he searched the cafeteria for a friendly face, and saw none. Cristina Yang was sitting in the corner alone, reading a textbook, probably studying for a surgery she was going to scrub in for. He made his way over with caution, knowing that under normal circumstances, he would be the last person Yang would want to eat with. But with Meredith gone, she had to be feeling some of the feelings he was, and he figured she might want to talk. How wrong he was. As soon as he sat down, he was met with her patented evil glare.

"What are you doing, Shepherd?"

"I'm eating lunch. With a friend." He shot her his best friendly smile, hoping she would ease up. He needed to talk to someone, someone who knew Meredith. Someone who could maybe give him a hint as to where she was and when she was coming back.

"Okay. First of all, you are not my friend. Meredith is my friend. Meredith is my person. A person that I would really like to have back in Seattle. You, McDreamy, are just my boss, and almost certainly the reason my friend decided to take this ridiculous leave of absence and I, for one, am not interested in lending an ear while you profess your ever-burning love for her and cry on my shoulder because you're feeling so empty without her. You did this, and I am reaping the consequences. So if you don't mind, there's a seat over there that's just calling your name."

"Cristina..."

"Dr. Yang." She corrected.

"Dr. Yang, if you would just hear me out..."

She put her hand up to silence him. "Not. Interested. If you won't go, I will."

She grabbed her tray and walked in the opposite direction. He felt tears building, and he wiped them away, silently berating himself for being such a wimp. But it was just hard, and he just wanted someone to vent to. Cristina's piercing tirade had just made him feel guilty and sad, and now he was alone once again. _Pathetic,_ he told himself, _truly pathetic._

Just then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and a familiar voice asking, "Bad day, Shep?" _Mark._ He didn't know if he had ever been more relieved to see his friend.

"That's the understatement of the century." He muttered.

"Grey's gone. I heard. What the hell happened? Three days ago you wouldn't even look at eachother. Then I heard the two of you were holed up the whole weekend at your place, and now she's gone."

"Long story. But she's gone. I have no idea where, or for how long." He felt the tears again, and quickly turned away, embarrassed that Mark was seeing him like this.

"Hang in there, Shep. She'll be back. In the mean time, you gotta quit acting like a blubbering woman. You're the talk of the hospital. Finish the day, then we'll go have us a few drinks. This is nothing a few scotches can't cure."

"I'm not so sure about that," Derek said dejectedly, "But what else do I have to do? I'll meet you there at eight."

"Thatta boy."

Meredith sighed as she rested her head on the back of the lounge chair and closed her eyes, taking in the sounds and smells of the ocean in front of her. She had spent the day dusting and vacuuming and cleaning out the cabinets of her mother's beach house. It was obvious that no one had been here in years, and she was surprised the water and electricity were still on. She had forgotten about this house, that she had been to so many summers during her childhood. Now that she was here, she had mixed feelings. It was relaxing, sure. But it also brought a flood of memories back that she wasn't certain she wanted to remember. Memories of Ellis and Thatcher arguing, and later summers spent with Ellis barely acknowledging that Meredith existed while she spent her vacation weekends on the phone with the hospital or simply catching up on sleep.

Then Meredith heard laughter coming from the beach. She glanced over the edge of the deck, and saw a couple walking hand in hand along the water, laughing and kissing. _Derek._ She shut her eyes and a tear ran down her cheek. She hadn't wanted to leave him, but she knew that she had to. It was the right thing to do. She wasn't avoiding, or running away from him. But she knew that she needed to take time away from the drama of the hospital to gather her thoughts and work through the issues that were constantly holding her back from being happy with the man she loved. But she wasn't so sure he would understand.

She pictured his face as Cristina handed him the letter. _I hope she was nice to him. I hope she didn't blame him._

She imagined him sitting on his bed, reading the letter. She prayed that he wasn't angry, that he wasn't going to give up on her while she was away. She wanted to call him and explain, but she knew if she heard his voice it would only send her on the next plane back to Seattle, and she just couldn't do that. So for now, she was keeping her distance, and trying her best to convince herself that he loved her enough to wait for her and forgive her for hurting him once again.

That's what killed her the most, knowing that he was hurting. Sure, she missed him. She wanted nothing more than to have him here, enjoying the view with his arms wrapped around her and his scent surrounding her. But that wasn't anything compared with the pang she felt in her heart when she imagined the pain he was feeling.

_Will he give Richard my letter?_ She wasn't sure at first if she wanted it, but in the end she decided it was only fair that he get to respond after the letter she had gotten Cristina to deliver him. So he had given the Chief the address to the beach house, after making him promise not to reveal it to anyone, no matter how much they may ask for it. He had given his word, and she told him that Derek might give him something, but she didn't know. The Chief had been so nice about it all, so understanding. She knew he was especially sensitive to her needs because of Ellis, and it made her feel even guiltier for somewhat taking advantage of the fact.

She walked into the house and poured herself a drink. There was no way she was going to fall asleep on her own with her mind racing like this. With the way she was missing Derek. So she had a few drinks on the porch and finally made her way to bed an hour later.

She crawled under the covers and hugged a pillow to her chest, wishing it was Derek, but fully aware that the chill of the pillow was nothing like the warmth of his body intertwined with her own. She started to cry softly, and then harder. Finally her willpower ran out. She couldn't talk to him, but she had to let him know that he was on her mind, that she wanted him, that she loved him.

She picked up her phone and turned it on. She entered his number in the text message box, and pondered what to say. But she knew he didn't need a clever speech to know what she was feeling, so she hurriedly typed in, "I miss you, I love you," and hit send. She turned her off the phone before she received anything in response, and eventually drifted off into an anxious, lonely sleep.

Derek clumsily pushed open the door to his trailer. He had allowed himself to have a few more drinks at Joe's than he had originally planned. As immature as Mark could be at times, he was good at taking your mind off things when you needed it the most. Especially when he was feeding you alcohol to help the process.

But now, back at home, all Derek could think about was that forty-eight hours ago, he had been in bed with the love of his life, holding her while she rambled and cried and told him that she loved him. He undressed and got into bed, thankful for the exhaustion the alcohol had given him. But he still couldn't sleep. His mind was racing, and he couldn't get ahold of his thoughts. _Why couldn't she just tell me where she was going? Or when she would be back? Then I'd be okay._

The truth was, he wouldn't be okay. But at least he wouldn't be left to muddle through each day wondering and waiting, and he knew that's what he'd be doing until she returned. Just then his phone beeped. Text message.

He flipped it open and inhaled sharply when he saw the message. It was like she read his mind. "I miss you, I love you." Self control evaded him once again and he began to cry. He dialed her number but, as he predicted, her phone was off. He hit reply and sent a message back. He wanted to beg her to call him, to explain, and to come back. But he knew it would only upset her. So he entered, "I miss you too, and I love you always." He hit send and sat the phone on his nightstand, then rolled over and resumed what seemed like an impossible effort to fall asleep. But to his surprise, the pang in his chest had eased a little. And although he still hurt, she had given him just the bit of hope that he needed.

**R&R!!**


	5. Took You Long Enough

Derek sighed as he stared at his rack of movies for the third time in the past ten minutes. His shift had ended early, and he wanted to take advantage of the time to relax and rest. But he couldn't decide. _Goodfellas? No. Wedding Crashers? Nah. Rocky? Hm._

He decided on Rocky and slipped it into the DVD player before turning out the lights and sprawling out on his bed. The past week had been a roller coaster ride, between work being busier than normal and Meredith being gone. He was tired. And it was going to feel good to veg out for a night. Unfortunately his peace and quiet was short-lived. About ten minutes into the movie he heard three hard knocks on the door followed by someone trying to push the door open despite it being obviously locked. His first thought was that it was Richard, but ever since the awkward encounter involving a very naked Derek and Meredith, he had taken to always calling before coming over. _So who was it?_

"Shepherd you pathetic woman! Turn off the chick flick and open the door!" _Mark._ For the past seven days, Mark had been making a valiant effort to keep Derek in good spirits. And Derek appreciated it, he really did. But right now all he wanted was to relax and sleep, and he knew Mark wasn't here for a slumber party. He opened the door and Mark entered with two six packs and a huge grin on his face.

"This week from hell is coming to a close, and in my book that calls for beer and cigars." He pulled a pack of them from his coat pocket and tossed them next to the beer on the table.

"Rocky's not a chick flick. And I'm too tired to drink."

"Nonsense, my friend. Today we worked, tonight we booze. Wake up and smell the alcohol." He cracked a bottle open for himself, then did the same for Derek.

"Don't you ever want to just stay in and sleep?"

"Nah. Life's short, the clock's ticking. Beer, women, and surgery. Sleep only when you must."

"Whatever." Derek muttered as he gave in and took a swig from the bottle.

"This rectangle that you call a home makes me claustrophobic. I'll meet you on the porch." Mark got up and walked out the door. Derek threw on a hoodie and reluctantly followed. They sat on the porch in silence for awhile, drinking and enjoying the crisp chill in the air. Mark sensed that Derek wasn't in the mood to chat, but he also knew that if he had let him lay around by himself all night, he would have eventually gotten himself hung up on Meredith and been miserable once again. Then, to Mark's surprise, he broke the silence.

"I really miss her."

"It's been a week."

"I know. But I don't even know where she is. Or when she's coming back. Or what's going to happen when she does."

"That's your problem, man. You always want everything planned out, laid out in front of you, set in stone. Life's not like that. And Grey is especially not like that."

"You think I drove her away?"

"I think you always had your life mapped out. She never did. You want your life to pan out the way you always planned it. She doesn't have a plan. It frustrates you, it scares her. Add in all the other bullshit you two had piled on from before that, and you have disaster written all over it."

"Scares me too," He replied. "Everything always went the way it was supposed to, you know? College, med school, residency, dream job in New York. Then before I knew it, it was burning down all around me. I didn't have a clue how to move forward when I had no idea what was next."

Mark was silent. He knew he played a big part in the burning down of Derek's New York life. But Derek continued.

"Then I met her. I just... I don't know. I look back at the person I was at that time, and she was the last thing I expected. But she was the only thing I needed. I loved Addison, I really did. But Meredith... she made it all so clear. There was a reason I came to Seattle. There was a reason the life I knew for a decade was in shambles. It was because I was meant to meet her. My life fell apart and she picked up the pieces without even knowing that she was."

"So then why'd you take Addie back?"

"God, I don't know. I was wrong. But I felt like I had to."

"Because it was what the plan said. It was the so-called right thing to do. So you did it despite the fact that it took away the person you loved and made her miserable. Not to mention the fact that you were unhappy yourself, and hurting Addison all along. The plan doesn't always work. Just because you and Meredith are together doesn't mean you have to be on the fast track to marriage and babies and a life full of bliss. That's where you always saw yourself being at this point, but it doesn't mean that you have to be there. You and Grey, it would take an idiot not to see that you're supposed to be together. But you can't try to steer a relationship down whatever path you think is appropriate. Just let it go where it goes."

"I don't think it's that simple. I love Meredith but I also have dreams that I'm not ready to give up. I want to get married, Mark. I want the big house, and the kids. I want to be a dad. What if she can't ever give me that?"

"Here's a question. Would you rather have it with somebody else, or not have it at all with Meredith?"

Derek thought about it for a second.

"There's nothing to have if it's not with Meredith. She's it for me."

"Took you long enough." Mark handed him another beer and the easy silence settled back in.


End file.
